as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
