I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
