My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
