I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
