did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
