New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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