im holly from the hills drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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