oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
