Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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