Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
