Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
