Got a toothbrush?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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