I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
