what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
