My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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