if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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