The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
