Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
