Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
