i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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