Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
