I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
