I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
