i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
