I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
