you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
