You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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