I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
