Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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