because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
