That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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