Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
