absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
