You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
