I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
