I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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