I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
