so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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