What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
