the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
