so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
