When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
