I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
