if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
