The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
