if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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