She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
