The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
