No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
