How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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