I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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