you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
