Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
