The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
