Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
