Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
