i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
