I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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