3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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