I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
