Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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